Tuesday, June 20, 2017

A Birthday/Father's Day/Life Reflection Post

Tonight I'm sitting on the front porch, listening to the rain, drinking bourbon and thinking of my Dad, and how I'm a day late trying to write about Father's Day. I'm ruminating on how to write a usual blog about my birthday, my thoughts on life, how to wrap up the end of our school year, of ways  to chronicle this move we will make this week, of our life here we are leaving.  Mostly, I'm sitting with my feelings and my thoughts swishing around in my scattered brain. So, I'll try to categorize it just to get it out.


My 41st birthday thoughts on life. . .
Friday was my birthday and usually I take the time to go on a long run to sort of life (20142013201220112010),  what I've learned, what truths I'm trying to live.  I often go to the battlefields nearby because they are beautifully preserved in a sea of strip malls and the concrete suburban jungles. In those hallowed steps, I reflect on the sacrifice of lost lives and find comfort in natural beauty.  This year, I went to Chancellorsville Battlefield (where I went two years prior and pondered BJ's impending Parkinson's Diagnosis), but because I had to work in the afternoon, I only had time for 4 miles.
 I thought to myself, "a big reason I run here is because it reminds me of home, so it is ok to get a shorter run today. . . I am moving home!" Then I came home to this present from Mom.


We've decided we are going to celebrate my birthday next month. . .it just took a back seat to life this year. As Molly Mae said Friday night, "Mom, this is neither the time nor the place to celebrate your birthday. . . I mean look at all these boxes?!"

And my thoughts on life. Well,  it caught up to me at the end of the school year.  BJ compared it to playing a Mike Tyson video game as kid where the player only got so many punches, and after that last punch, the game was over. I took a few mental days to myself because I had just "had enough" of student behavior with a difficult population. One day, I'll write a book. This is a nice little symbol. . .when I turned in my teacher badge, you can't even see my face.

 I can say the health issues of our Fall, the move, the goodbyes, the uncertainty and shaky ground of health, finances, the stress of my securing a new job all just caught up to me. The one thing I've learned this year with both my professional and personal life is I'm not very good at setting boundaries and my expecting the best from everyone has not exactly served me well in a time when I've been weak and vulnerable.  I need to figure out how to sort through all that moving forward.  I'm in therapy and the word she uses is developing some armor or my inner B*#@$.  Some see my openheartedness as weakness and I have not patience or tolerance for those people in this season of my life. But I have running. . ..and I will look at this year as one I got through.  I'm thankful to still be running, literally and metaphorically, which brings me to my Dad.



My Dad. . .
In the the hardest year of my life, the punches have hit him as hard as they have me, maybe harder.  In many ways, it tears me up to know our life has caused him such angst, but in the midst of guilt, I feel waves of love and support. I hope that with our move he can see we are ok, that we are happy and that we are fine, which brings me to our move and saying goodbye to our life here.

Moving. . .
The girls are so excited to move and I have had an epiphany on children. The thing that makes them exhausting also makes them incredibly resilient and hopeful. They are always looking to "what's next." And they are excited about what's next, but before then, we are saying goodbyes here.  I am emotional, but mostly, I'm just thankful for the love, opportunities and life we have had here.

Here are some scenes recently of being intentional about seeing friends to say goodbye.




















Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it. Trey Parker


1 comment:

Emily Hunter said...

LOVE! I'm soooooo excited to see you soon! I know goodbyes are hard, but I'm anxious to say Hello :)