2017: A New Way to be Home for Christmas

I wrote this first part (in purple) in October, but never published: 
Coming back from Fall Break:  We  returned from an amazing Fall break vacation on Caribbean cruise. Since we didn't get much of a summer break, we splurged on a cruise, and had a wonderful time.  BJ and I went on a cruise for our honeymoon, and it was quite special to be together with Anna Cate and Molly, so many years later.















We also noted that we left on the anniversary of his first brain surgery and returned on the anniversary of his chest surgery to place the pace maker.  We both agreed that the decadence we enjoyed was a great way to close out the chapter of our life has been the last year. The last morning, I sat on the ship looking at the water, thinking of how this was it and it was time to go home and start the next chapter in our life, but in truth, I don't feel like I have a home yet.  I mean, this is my childhood home, and I know I live here, the girls are in school, I have a job, etc, but it still feels a little bit like a visit.  On the cruise, I kept saying to the family, "Ya'll, I just can't get it through my head that we LIVE in Centerville."  I wonder if it's because I've visited here for weeks at a time for 15 years, and only lived here for 2 years in the past 23.  For whatever reason, I just don't quite feel it yet.

Also, I've been thinking and feeling a lot about last year, and I just can't help it so writing about it seems a healthy way to process it. I am just still sort of stunned at how bad it was, and the truth is I wasn't exactly feeling it then. Now, I'm more conscious of how shaky our of life became. Obviously, Anna Cate being sick was horrible, and then we had no idea that BJ wouldn't be returning to work.  Then the stress of that was so hard on him that we thought the surgery was unsuccessful. So we knew we had to move, that I had to find a job, and. . . .we thought the surgery didn't even work because his tremor was so strong because of the stress of all the circumstances surrounding the work situation. It was awful, looking back on it. I mean it was tough in the moment but it wasn't as dreadful then as it is now in the hollow of my soul when I'm on this side of it. The surgery did work, but we certainly were in a certain kind of hell then.  I was pretty stable then...I just kept walking. In the mean time to deal, BJ spent hours on the internet trying to dream of a new life here, and a main goal was goats.


And as another symbol of the new chapter of our life, the day after we got back from the cruise, BJ and girls picked up the newest addition: Betsy and Bud.


This past weekend, we enjoyed the festivities of Halloween. Last year, throughout the month of October, my family and I debated on what was best for Anna Cate, and when she should come home. My Dad felt so strongly that she needed to stay in Centerville thru Halloween.  They had gotten thru some very dark days planning the fun of Halloween together, and so she stayed. When she came home to us in Virginia she brought with her the memories of how loved she felt in Centerville, a stack load of cards from her new friends, the memories of fun here, and I believe the strong sense that this was her home. This year it is, even though I guess it was last year too.


When I was a little girl and our family would play Monopoly, I always would loose because I wanted Park Place.  This past year in March, after we had already bought this house, and I had not seen it, we were in New York and in a cab, we were talking about the value of homes across from Central Park. . .and BJ said, "that's like our house -- across from the Park."




As I read those words, and ruminate on my feelings, I notice a shift and in this Christmas season, I am starting to feel like I'm home at our home, Park Place, in Centerville, and in our new life. I notice that feeling with such gratitude, because I've always been a nester. Feeling at home and settled is important to my  spirit. At Thanksgiving, we hosted BJ's brother and family, Greg, Sarah & Graham for the weekend, and we all enjoyed a beautiful meal together at Mom's.  I don't remember the last time I spent Thanksgiving in Centerville.  We all loved having such wonderful family time together. 











And as Thanksgiving rolled into Christmas, we enjoyed the small town festivities by walking to the square for the tree lighting and the Christmas parade on Saturday nights. 



 
On the first Friday night of December, we saw the real Santa Claus on the square. No mall, no hustle and bustle, no traffic, but look at these smiles. 

Anna Cate and I enjoyed a date to the Messiah, and by happenstance, we ran into our friends, Christy and Liza,  so we made it a date to the Cheesecake factory.


The girls enjoyed a trip to see ICE at Opryland with friends, to see the Nutcracker with  Kitty, Nana and Daddy Doug, and a lot of cookie baking time with Nana and Kitty.   









 Because our school schedules are slightly different, I got to go to Molly's Christmas party and it was delightful. The 2nd grade gives kids the chances to fill each other's stockings, so she asked if we could make her  home-made chapstick and Anna Cate and I got in on the fun. She made her friends some and I made my students chap stick for gifts for the new Year (150 of them). It was a last minute idea and I didn't have time to give my kids them by 12/15. Yes --  being a teacher is wonderful, but believe me that last week of school before Christmas break is CRAZY!





Molly's classmates touched me, and their level of generosity was stunning. One little boy did not have anything to put in the stockings, but he counted 16 pages of the coloring book the teacher gave him so he would have something to give. People are so generous and nice here. (BJ says it is because they aren't sitting in traffic) We started using a cleaning lady who is AMAZING!!! I've never met her but I love the way she cleans and sometimes rearranges a room. She left the girls, whom she has never met either, gifts on their beds.
 We did our Gingerbread house with Kitty.


and they've enjoyed looking for Maggie every morning. . .BJ and my Christmas present is in the background...a Peloton Bike. 
I have enjoyed decorating this home for Christmas, and it has been nice to entertain rather than rush to travel and feel like we pile in on my parents for a week.  Anna Cate spent the time with Abby and Nana to make baklava. It is amazing!
That evening, we hosted a small cocktail party for family friends from Chicago, Kenneth and Kelly,  and we are hosting our family before church tonight. Since we were serving fresh baklava, we went with a Mediterranean theme for food. 
 Kelly is so dear.  Full of class, grace and authenticity, she is a perfect mix of confidence and humility. She gave the women in my family a beautiful bowl with an explanation of its significance, wrapped in metaphors. The inside is strong, and the outside has gold to fill in the cracked egg shells. . . remembering how we were all sort of on egg shells last year.  
My goodness, I've been blessed with friends who can be so real and beautiful. As I reflect on what 2017 brought us, I stand witness to our experiences of fear and courage in the way we revised our life in this move, and appreciate those who loved and empathized with us, wanting us to be happy and settled. I think of my friend Marian, whom I miss dearly, "I've always seen you in Centerville, Sarah." I think of my beautiful, cosmopolitan friend Dani, who said, "oh of course, I've always seen you back at home, Sarah." I think of my "track team" friends who kept me running. I think of my church in Fredericksburg, and I resonate with Molly's sentiments, "I miss our church the most." I think of my soul sister Laurie who gave us her family calendar last year knowing we wouldn't be together for the entire year, and the way their 2018 year came to our doorstep with pictures of her family and ours on the pages together.

I think of my mom's friend Naida who became or friend as she helped us create this home for us.  I reflect on the new friends we've made and the ways old friends have welcomed me back and loved my children and BJ. We love living in walking distance of our family. 

So with Christmas traditions, and the chance to nest and decorate, I do feel at home.




Although we didn't experience death, in the words of Tennyson, we experienced life piled on life.  


I am a part of all that I have met; 
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro' 
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades 
For ever and forever when I move. 
How dull it is to pause, to make an end, 
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use! 
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life 
Were all too little, and of one to me 
Little remains: but every hour is saved 
From that eternal silence, something more, 
A bringer of new things; and vile it were 
For some three suns to store and hoard myself, 
And this gray spirit yearning in desire 
To follow knowledge like a sinking star, 
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought. 
. . . 
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho' 
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; 
One equal temper of heroic hearts, 
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will 
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

While I have been made weak and tender by time and our fate, on this Christmas Eve, I strive to focus on how much abides.  

Christmas 2017 brought me home.








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