I started this post 8 days ago; tonight I'm sitting with my hot tea and feeling like I need to get a blog out with an update on my break from wine since even someone asked me today how I was doing it?! I took 10 days off, and had a glass of wine with BJ Saturday night and a half glass the night of the super bowl. I do not intend to quit drinking but have to say the non-drinking lifestyle is enjoyable so for now, having a drink will be rare. So back to the blog where I started last week. . .
Due to a power outage at my school, I am home today while the kids are at school. This rarely happens for me to have the house by myself so I'm enjoying the luxury of it all -- I took the kids to school in my pajamas and came home to make another cup of coffee, and wanted to visit this space where the thoughts of my mind and heart take form with words. I love the quote from Joan Didion, "I don't know what I think until I write it down."
Yesterday marked the first week without alcohol for me in a long time (probably since I was pregnant with Molly). I can sort of break down my thoughts by the times of the day.
In the mornings, I've realized. . . . I still hate them! I still feel out of it when the alarm goes off, press snooze way too many times and am generally miserable at the thought of getting out of bed.
So I can't blame morning fuzz and crankiness on a nightly glass (or two) of wine.
In the evenings, I find myself up and busier, possibly more productive around the house. When I do sit down, I have the "munchies" so I think I might have to avoid that since weight loss is still a goal. Also, drinking sparkling water in a stemmed glass satisfies me and I love hot tea. I don't really miss the wine as much as I thought I would.
The most striking times I've caught myself missing a drink are in the late afternoon when I find myself looking forward to the enjoyment of pouring a glass of wine. As I glance at the clock on the way home from a long day, I think about having a drink and then remember that I'm not drinking.
Looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them. -Lucy Maud Montgomery
Then, I start thinking about how anticipation and worry are so closely related in that we spend time in our mind thinking about what lies ahead, attaching emotions to the future. In many cases, it is the unknown that provides worry. This has always been a deep, dark hole for me -- anxiety. I was reminded of this at a recent doctor's appointment for BJ as we sat in the waiting room.
I watched him watch the other patients. The older patients and their wives, their loving caregivers. I look at them, too and wonder if I can ever be so kind. BJ is the caretaker, not me.
If I believed in a god pulling puppet strings I would say or pray, you need to fix this -- "this guy is more of a caretaker than most moms, BJ feeds the birds at a winter storm, goes to a Layaway the week before Christmas to pay for a few anonymous family's christmas gifts; you/YOU need him out in the world taking care of people, and how dare you/YOU even think I can take care of details for my family?" But I don't believe in a God like that; even in people's assuring me "it's ok to be mad at God," I find that a ridiculous sentiment. I wasn't promised ease -- why would I even feel angry? I am not angry, but I am scared and sad, and if you know me well, you'd be scared of me taking care of the details too.
But just as I feel the tension and fear in the waiting room, I tell myself BJ is looking at a 75 year old man, not necessarily Parkinson's Disease. I'm also deeply touched when I see these women and I almost have hope. I am reminded to be present in my life, to take the cues from the universe about what may lay ahead as signs to just be present. This is how the idea of anticipation and worry, sitting in a waiting room and giving up the idea of looking forward to a nightly glass of wine all fit together in the universe or God calling me to not escape, not to worry, not to anticipate but to be fully present. It seems to take time and an attitude adjustment, but there is something altogether freeing about it as I'm noticing myself giving up anticipation as well as worry. My prayer is that if I have the courage to face the present, hopefully I'll have the strength to face the future; maybe even one day I will be a loving caregiver.